HomoWhat!
by Crystal Saturn
Summary: With all the logical schemes Darien could've thought up, somehow his twisted mind left him with one queer plot to win the heart of his beloved Serena. Unrequited love has never been such a pain in the rear. *SD ShortStory*
1. Eureka!

Hi all! It's my latest easter egg. A light hearted, short 3 Chapter short story on the desperate trials and tribulations of unrequited love. I decided to write this after the heaviness of my other story, Only in my Dreams, started to get to me. It was starting to drain me of energy. So here this is, just to get everyone's spirits right up there again. Enjoy.

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**Title:** Homo- What?!  
**Author:** Crystal Saturn  
**Rated:** T  
**Chapter:** 1- Eureka!

"I'm serious Drew! It's impossible! I can't seem to get Serena's attention in a good way. Every time I open my mouth a barrage of insults pour out. It just seems to be easier for me to control my feelings when I'm insulting her." Darien looked deeply into his coffee mug.

"Well, I highly doubt that your playground antics will win you her heart. Sometimes it's hard. People always want what they can't have. Daz, you need to be nicer to her if you want to stand a chance." Andrew refilled Darien's coffee mug before walking towards the other end of the counter to serve some customers.

Darien sat silently, contemplating the wise words of Jedi Master Andrew. Lifting the mug to his lips, Darien took a small sip, letting the hot, dark fluid seep within his lips. He savoured the bittersweet taste that mellowed itself out as it filtered across his tongue and down his throat. Placing the mug back down onto the table, Darien leaned his chin on the palm of his hand and stared pensively into the air before him.

"Eureka!" He exclaimed, sitting up on the stool. His eyes glimmered with newfound hope and excitement.

"What is it?" Andrew raised an eyebrow as he watched his best friend giddily make a fool of himself in the middle of the arcade.

"I've come up with an idea! I know how I'm going to get Serena's attention and win her heart."

"You're not going to go on another date with Raye are you? You've tried the jealousy card Darien. It didn't work and you're only making Raye more and more attached to you." Andrew drummed his fingers idly on the benchtop.

"No! I'm gay!" Darien exclaimed a little too enthusiastically, earning strange gazes from the customers of the Crown Arcade.

"What? Ok, no more sugar in your coffee." Andrew quickly removed the little yellow sachets of sugar from Darien's fisted grasp. Mortified by the sudden announcement, he shamefully shook his head at the thought of his best friend parading around telling everyone about his newfound homosexuality. Oh lord, what would that say about his own preferences. Surely straight men had the option of having gay friends without being romantically linked to them, right?

"No, no! Listen to me. You said it yourself- people always want what they can't have right?" Darien asked.

"Sure that's what I said but I don't see how that has anything to do with you being gay and getting Serena." Andrew pulled up a stool and sat down.

"Well if I'm gay then Serena wont be able to resist me!" Darien grinned broadly at his ingenious idea.

"Woah, back up buddy. Pun not intended. How do you figure that?" Andrew was finding it hard to keep up with Darien's strange twisted logic.

"If I'm gay then Serena will know that she doesn't have a chance with me because I wont be interested in her. Then the law of 'always wanting what you can't have' will kick in and she'll finally love me!" Darien casually explained. The automatic doors of the arcade slid open. Both men turned to see who had entered.

"Well speak of the devil. You know Darien, this plan of yours is totally insane. It definitely wont work this time." Andrew rolled his eyes and shook his head. "You're getting way too desperate man, just ask her out."

"You know I'd never be able to do that. Quick! She's coming! Flirt with me!" Darien tugged on Andrew's sleeve desperately.

"What?! Are you kidding me? That would imply that I am also gay and do you know what that would do for my business? No fan girls coming in. No flirtatious customers. I wont be able to whip out the irresistible charm in front of the ladies and make them swoon and do you know what that means? No money for poor broke Andrew. No pretty little high school girls to perve on. No-siree! I'm afraid you're going to have to con some other innocent civilian to do your dirty work for you." Andrew scolded.

"Hi Andy!" Serena happily bounced up to the counter and sat down two stools away from Darien.

"Hey Sere. My, you're looking wonderful today! Gorgeous as ever. Did you get some extra sleep last night because you're positively glowing!" Andrew winked. A faint blush crept upon Serena's cheeks as she giggled shyly.

"Andrew!" Darien glared at his blond friend menacingly.

"Hey now, just because you're gay it doesn't mean I have to be!" Andrew beamed.

"You're gay?" Serena turned to the man next to her. "As in… you like guys?"

"That's right." Darien nodded smoothly. Serena paused in thought for a moment. She looked at the man in front of him blankly. Darien- gay? Could it be?

"No way!" Serena laughed out loud. "There is no way that you, Darien Chiba, could be gay."

"And why is that?"

"Firstly, you have horrible taste in fashion. I've seen your jogging gear, and that horrible shirt that has 'Earth' printed on the front of it, and those sunglasses WOW are they big or what!? Boy do you own a mirror let alone look at your reflection before you step out of the house?" Serena shook her head. Her comments made Andrew laugh full heartedly. "Secondly, you don't have any characteristics at all. Thirdly and most importantly- you are way too attracted to girls to be a homosexual."

"Big words for a girl who has no idea what she's talking about." Darien shrugged her accusations off. "You're simply working on cultural assumptions."

"No I'm not. It's a proven fact that those 'cultural assumptions' are based on fact." Serena retorted smugly.

"Are you dumb?" Darien tilted his head to the right.

"What?! No! I may be a little... slow... and maybe lazy but i'm definitely not dumb!" Serena pouted, crossing her arms.

"Exactly. So the dumb blonde cultural assumption isn't true is it, ergo not all cultural assumptions are based on fact."

Serena stared at the handsome dark haired man in front of her skeptically.

"Andrew. Help me out here! I know Darien's lying." She turned to the amused blond man, happily watching the conversation unfold.

"Well... he does own quite a few turtle-neck sweaters, and I've been to his apartment... it is rather... metro." Andrew carefully selected his words.

"But that doesn't mean he's gay!" Serena pouted once again, refusing to believe what the two men in front of her were trying to tell her. He couldn't be gay. She had seen him around many gorgeous women. He just couldn't. She didn't quite understand why she was refusing to acknowledge it, but she wouldn't allow herself to believe that Darien Chiba, her biggest bicker-buddy was interested in men.

"Why do you insist i'm not gay? You barely even know me meatball head."

"Well because... because..." Serena frowned. It was true. She didn't know much about Darien, but assumed she knew enough to be definate about this.

"Why would I say I'm gay if i'm not? What good would that do?" Darien persisted with his argument.

"I don't know!" Serena exclaimed, "But I know it's not true and I'll prove it. I know you're up to something Darien, and i'm going to find out! I bet you $100 and a box of chocolates that you're not gay. Meet me back here tomorrow, 11 in the morning."

"Fine." Darien nodded and shook Serena's hand to seal their deal.

"Good. I'll prove to you Andrew, that he's not gay." Serena stood up defiantly and marched out the arcade door. Both men watched her stalk out before Darien turned his gaze back towards Andrew.

"That worked well..." He smiled innocently.

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Next chapter will be in a week. Please Review.

_**Crystal Saturn**_


	2. Straight Man's Torture

Oh wow!! so many awesome reviews!! Thank you all so much for your support! I'm glad to have gotten so many positive reviews, and to know that you all enjoyed the first chapter. Here's the second one. only one more after this!

**Thanks to:** MegTao, kireisnowtenshi, Gr33nJ3w3lRain, x.spanish.eyes.x, CharmedSerenity3, Rose Zen, Moonlight Shadow Angel _(thank you so much! I try my hardest to think of new different story plots.)_, Endy's Girl, mystic soilder, sailorceb, daianapotter, SeleneHarker, Fallen Archangel **and my beloved** pencil gal _(yeah im in the zone all thanks to my muse.. wink wink... unfortunately he's also distracting me.. damn myspace)_

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**Title:** Homo- What?!  
**Author:** Crystal Saturn  
**Rated:** T  
**Chapter:** 2- Straight Man's Torture

The following morning, Serena strolled into the Arcade to be greeted with the sight of Darien clad in a collared shirt that clung to his body tighter than usual, showing a hint of the chiseled chest muscles beneath the fabric. He wore dark blue jeans and his hair was held up in its usual style with a bit of product.

Serena let out a little sigh. Maybe she was wrong. If she were then she'd be paying Darien her allowance money for 2 months. Or maybe he had done his research. Maybe she would have a little fun today.

"So what have you got planned for today?" Darien tucked his hands comfortably in his pockets.

"Today we're going clothes shopping, shoe shopping and boy watching." Serena smiled. Andrew chuckled at the prospect of Darien having to pretend he was gay.

"Sounds... swell." Darien's smile faltered for a second as he remembered he wasn't on a date, he wasn't even supposed to be interested in the blonde girl in front of him. He was meant to be interested in men.

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"So what do you think about this top and these pants, Darien?" Serena picked up a random selection from a rack and held them up against her body.

"Hmm?" Darien turned his attention back to the blonde girl in front of him. Truth be told, nothing bored or scared him more than shopping with women and going into women's clothing stores. "They're nice." he absentmindedly commented before turning his attention back to the tiles on the floor.

"No, you're wrong! The top is too bright and the pants would make my butt look fat." Serena pouted, knowing Darien was paying no attention what so ever. "Horizontal stripes on pants are bad for short girls!

"Well then why are you asking for my opinion if it's wrong?"

"Because I want to know if you're paying attention or not! Gay men are meant to have good taste in clothes and since you're a self proclaimed homosexual, I value your opinion." Serena placed the top and pants back in their respective places and ushered Darien out of that shop and into another.

"Hey, this would be a nice shirt for you." Serena picked up a collared shirt from the rack.

"I'm not too sure about that one... I like this one more." Darien picked out an olive green sweater from another rack. Serena smiled to herself. He didn't have good taste when it came to clothes at all. In fact, it was horrible. Strike one.

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"These heels are to die for!" Serena picked up a designer Italian shoe with black, silver and white shimmer laces.

"I can't imagine it would be too comfortable though. That heel is massive! Your feet would be aching by the end of the night." Darien pointed out, wondering what women thought about when they shopped. It obviously wasn't comfort or cost.

"The price you pay for fashion, darling." Serena corrected smartly.

"And that price would be..." Darien pointed to the price tag dangling from one of the laces.

"Four hundred dollars." Serena quickly put the shoe back. "Way out of my price range."

Darien chuckled. Women were so complicated. Sometimes he thought it would probably be easier to be gay.

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"What about him, do you think he's cute?" Serena pointed out a tall blonde man in his early 20's.

"Too Tall." Darien took another bite of his sandwich.

"Oh, there's a cute guy." Serena turned to find a suited up businessman with dark hair and brown eyes. He smiled at her gently.

"Ahh.. i don't think so... you know, Serena he's not..."

"Oh hey guys! Fancy meeting you both here." A familiar looking sandy blonde male approached the pair, with another man in tow.

"Andy!" Serena exclaimed excitedly. "What are you doing here?"

"Yes. Andrew... what are you doing here." Darien muttered through clenched teeth.

"Well, the funniest thing happened the other day. I was talking to Rita about Darien's newfound out of the closet-ness, and my neighbour Kyle here happened to overhear and he wanted me to introduce you guys."

"Nice to meet you, Darien." Kyle leaned over and took Darien's hand within his, shaking lightly. "I'll be more than happy to show you all the fab hot spots and the fantastic nightlife if you like, darling." Kyle leaned low and winked flirtatiously at Darien.

"I... Um..." Darien recoiled his hand as if he had been burned by oven heating element. "Ca...Can i talk t...to you... like... now! Andrew!" Darien practically pounced on his best friend, dragging him several paces away. When out of hearing distance, Darien and Andrew began a seemingly heated and very animated one sided argument, consisting of Darien pacing around with rage, arms being thrown into the air in fury and Andrew being smacked across the back of the head. Andrew tried his hardest not to burst into laughter the whole time.

"So... is he always this uptight?" Kyle began to make idle chatter with Serena.

"Worse." She shook her head, watching the two men bicker to themselves. "I still don't believe he's gay."

"I think someone has a crush on a certain dark haired gay guy." Kyle winked.

"WHAT?! NO!" Serena's face soon turned a bright crimson shade.

"Well.. i was referring to myself. But your palette of redness just confirms it you know..."

After much reprimanding by Darien, Andrew bashfully decided it was time to leave, and take his friend with him. He had recieved an earful from his best friend, and was feigning a hurt expression for 'only trying to help'. Sure, Kyle knew the whole story. Andrew had told him that Darien was only pretending to be Gay to get Serena's attention. They both thought it would be rather amusing to poke fun at the poor, poor, sad pathetic man.

"Now then, I should think it was time for us to leave..." Andrew stepped back into the conversation.

"Oh? So soon? But we were all just introducing each other." Serena interjected.

"Yes, but i have to go do my... thing.. at the uh... thing thing... place with the... thing over.. there..." Andrew fumbled unconvincingly before waving goodbye and dragging Kyle along with him who was happily blowing air kisses in Darien's direction, leaving Serena and Darien alone once more at their lunch table.

"Pity. Kyle seemed nice enough. He's gorgeous. Really good looking. What do you think about him?" Serena smiled gently as she watched the Dark haired man in front of her shift in his seat uncomfortably.

"He's not my type."

"What is your type then?" Serena waved around her half eaten sandwich.

"Looks aren't everything Serena. A person's personality and their attitude play a big part too. They have to be funny and happy. I'd like someone who I can get along with, but I don't mind having little arguments every now and then. Someone passionate and spirited." Darien sipped his coffee carefully.

"Any particular physical features you're interested in?" Serena asked.

"I don't know... I tend to prefer blondes with blue eyes. Someone shorter than me would be good too." Darien shrugged and went back to his sandwich.

"So... you have a crush on Andrew too huh?" Serena asked as she coyly tilted her head.

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Dun dun dun! Hope you liked that. If you like this story and you havent already checked out some of my other stuff, you'll love Mystery Girl and Ski Bunny Blues. Thank you all so much for reading. Please review and i'll see you all again next week with the last chapter! Add me to your myspaces!! (the link is on my profile page as my home page)

**_Crystal Saturn_**


	3. Twist of Fate

Wow. It certainly has been a while. I'm so grateful for you guys for putting up with me and reading my scribbles I'm sorry. I have been neglecting my writing, simply because I've been lucky enough to be able to live out my romantic stories with my own Prince Endymion. I promise i'll pen down and share some experiences soon though.

Always thank you to:  


Sailormoonloverlol, supergirl-776, supersaiyanx, kamalchemy88, Ty, InuYashaGurl2007,**Shrouded Mist, MegTao, Rose Zen,** Gr33nJ3w3lRain, Joide's KB 4ever,**LadyAkina, CharmedSerenity3, pencil gal,** starangel07, skye668, x Such Great Heights x, Kana07, Caytlyn Rose, **sailorceb,** raye85,**merangelgal,** SeleneHarker, serenity11287

Once again, it's so wonderful to see some authors up there that have been reading my stuff pretty much from day one, seven or so years ago now. Thank you to my new readers too!

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**Title:** Homo- What?!  
**Author:** Crystal Saturn  
**Rated:** T  
**Chapter:** 3- Twist of Fate 

"You have a crush on Andrew?" Darien asked as they both walked towards the Arcade in the setting sun.

"Well, I did. But that was a long time ago." Serena waved her hands around for emphasis.

"From what I recall, it was only last week Meatball Head."

"Alright... maybe it was. But not anymore. You didn't answer my question. Do you have any feelings for Andrew?" Serena quickly changed the subject.

"No. Of course not. Andrew's my best friend. There's nothing between us what-so-ever. He's happily straight and I'm... a pretzel." Darien signaled for them to take a seat on the park bench near the rose garden. For a little while, they simply sat there soaking up the scenery, enjoying each other's company and simply watching the sunset casting long shadows of the trees across the park.

"Are you sure you're gay?" Serena broke the silence.

"Why do you keep insisting I'm straight? What do you have against Gay people Serena?" Darien replied.

"Nothing! Nothing at all, I have plenty of Gay friends! Like... uhh...Bob and umm... Frank and... Melvin."

"Isn't Melvin dating your friend Molly?" Darien raised an eyebrow curiously.

"Yes, but that's beside the point." Serena shook her head vigorously.

"And the point is?"

"You're not Gay!" Serena persisted.

"How would you know?" Darien sat back on the park bench and crossed his arms comfortably.

"Well... I have a theory." Serena bit her lip nervously.

"Go on..."

Serena looked at the man in front of her anxiously. She didn't know if she should, if she could tell him. Would he understand her ramblings? Did he not know? Did he not see it in her eyes? Maybe, just maybe...

"Earth to meatba-"

Serena leaned in quickly and pressed her lips up against Dariens. One of her hands found its way around to the back of his neck while the other rested on his chest. She could feel his hands gently resting on her hips, not pushing her away but not pulling her near either. He didn't move. He didn't kiss back. After a few moments, Serena pulled away.

"Did you feel anything?" She asked. Darien, clearly shocked, looked into her blue eyes that looked as though they were pleading, almost begging.

"...uhh..." His voice was barely audible, but she had heard the single syllable slip from his mouth. His lips moved without his permission. He had no control over his body at all. He stared at the young blonde in front of him. Watched as she closed her eyes and nodded slowly. He blinked and before he knew it, she was half way across the street, running home. Running away from him.

"Serena! Wait! That's not..." His voice trailed away. She was too far away to hear him. "...what I meant." He felt ambivalent and silently cursed for letting her slip away. He didn't know whether to be happy that she had made the first move, that she had shown she had some sort of feelings for him, or to be extremely upset that he had slipped up and not told her the truth. Andrew was right. He should've just told her straight out from the start. His plan had worked, but it was also his lies that had hurt the one girl he loved the most.

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The automated glass doors slid open and he shuffled through them with his head hung and his shoulders slumped. Darien was so disappointed with himself when he walked into the arcade that he failed to notice the fragile young girl sitting in the corner of a nearby booth. 

"I'll have a double shot please Drew." Darien grumbled quietly.

"I hate to be the one to tell you 'I told you so' buddy." Andrew picked up a coffee cup from behind the counter.

"I know. I know. I should've told her the truth from the start." Darien repeated in the typical 'all knowing Andrew' way.

"Well, here's your big chance to set things... straight- pun not intended- She's sitting in the booth just behind you."

Darien turned to see Serena sitting cross-legged in a booth, idly stirring around her chocolate thick shake as she stared at the table in front of her. He walked over and quietly sat down across from her.

"I think I owe you an explanation." He began quietly. Her eyes shot up to view the source of the mysterious voice, as if she didn't even notice him arrive.

"You don't owe me anything." She returned to her idle state. "If anything, I owe you an apology."

"No, you don't understand. I'm not gay Serena." Darien began to explain.

"No, I'm pretty sure you are now." Serena barely glanced up at him, feeling embarrassed that she had made a fool of herself.

"I'm not. Look, just hear me out. The reason I got you to believe I was gay was... well it's a stupid reason. Point is, I did it to try and get your attention." Serena looked at the man in front of her blankly, clearly not quite comprehending. "You see, I, like most men, find women to be rather perplexing and complicated. I've been trying to get you interested in me for a while now but nothing I say or do has seemed to have a positive effect on you."

"So you tell me you're gay? How would that make a positive impression? You think women are complicated? You told me you were interested in men when you weren't, to get me interested in you!"

"Well, it worked didn't it?" A small smile tugged on Darien's lips.

"No! Well..." Serena paused in thought. "No! I wasn't interested in you because you were gay. The only reason why I kissed you was to prove that you weren't gay. But you told me you were when you said you didn't feel anything."

"So you DID kiss me because you were interested in me?" Darien questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"That's not the point Darien-"

"Oh I think that's exactly the point I was trying to make. Are you interested in me?" Darien persisted.

"It doesn't matter whether or not I am, you told me you were Gay and-"

Darien swiftly leaned across the table, cupped Serena's chin with his hands and pressed his lips against hers while she was still in mid speech. Her mumbled argument ceased as her eyes fluttered shut and time seemed to stand still. He pulled away slowly and watched as she slowly opened her eyes and stared, mystified at the man in front of her.

"Is that something a Gay man would do?" Darien asked.

"...uhh..." Serena's voice was barely audible. She had no control over the single syllable that slipped from her lips. She watched as the man in front of her closed his eyes for a second, a broad grin spread across his face.

"Now do you understand me?"

"I think I liked you more when you were gay." Serena nodded, still staring at Darien in a dazed state, before displaying a small playful smile, "And you owe me a box of chocolates, buddy."

Darien let out a small chuckle as he shook his head slowly. "Women..."

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Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. My final installment of the HOMO-WHAT?! Trilogy. I'm glad you all seemed to love it as much as I do. Thank you all for reading. I'll be seeing you all in the forums very soon! 

_**Crystal Saturn**_


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